Monday, July 17, 2006

We got an Idea (its a joke, please dont copy it 365)

We are well known here at Stanspoker for our ideas, new ones that is. We have developed certain tournaments, prizes and competitions that were unique at first and have been plagiarised in the online poker community. To counter that we have come up with a new set of tournaments that are going to be the talk of the poker world so that once other rooms start copying them it will be to late as everyone will know that it was our idea and that everyone will want to play with us.
Its taken some time to come up with the idea's but we have put our heads together and have come up with the following tournament's with some of the new rules, the rules of course are subject to change.

Monday $10 no limit hold-em. A bog standard $10 tournament but the beauty is you will not know if it is a rebuy or a freeze out until the tournament begins. Once the tournament begins you will not be able to get your money back if you don’t like what type of tournament it is. We also reserve the right to change the game to Omaha Hi/Lo whenever we like. We also reserve the right to make the table’s heads up or 16 handed dependant on what mood we are in.

Tuesday $50 Omaha Freeze out. All the above rules apply but we will be charging 50% juice to cover the costs of our dealing machine (sometimes the hamsters that spin the wheel get tired and need to be replaced, they find it especially hard to deal Omaha). We reserve the right to withhold the dealing monies to line our own pockets.

Wednesday $5 Limit Hold-em. Again all previous rules apply but we may, with 3 tables left, add in extra chip stacks to certain tables with no player in the seat we add the chips to. We may also throw you out of the tournament and keep your money if you do not play the first hand.

Thursday $37 Stud. Once again all previous rules may apply. However in this tournament if the software indicates you finished in the money we will require a screenshot as proof otherwise we retain the right to refuse to pay you.

Friday $12 Round of Each. All previous rules apply plus we will mark the cards in stud rounds to enable our more unethical players to have a better chance of cashing.

Lastly all tournament winners will be rewarded with a bracelet and a place in Stanspoker history. If you send in a passport sized photograph we will put it on a wall for you.

Don’t think it will work? Go to any half decent poker forum and see what is happening at this years World Series of poker, if it works there why cant we get away with it? Many lunatics have a theory online poker is fixed, its not. Maybe they should look at how land based poker tournaments are run, especially the blue ribbon tournament and concentrate their energies there.
I wont be playing the big one, never have and all for the same reason, I haven’t got the money to spare. I used to think one day I would and that obviously I would win it. Last night whilst trying to sleep I thought of ten good reasons why I would not ever want to win it

1. The cash. $10 million? If I won $50k I would be dead in a week.
2. The acolytes. Everybody would now be my best new friend, even the people I have it quite clear to that I don’t like.
3. The Autographs I would have to sign
4. The online site I would have to promote. After signing up for some soulless corporation I would have to suck on the teat endlessly, wearing their clothing, telling everyone I never play anywhere else and that 'our customer service is second to none'.
5. The crappy poker shows I would have to appear in. Celebrity 'Z-listers vs. the pro’s. The Comedians no ones ever heard of vs. the pro's etc.
6. Travelling. Promoting the online site and playing in the dullest poker shows.
7. My new pro friends. Whilst playing Pro's vs. famous stamp collectors I would be forced to chew the fat with my new 'best buddies' about how crazy we all are and how we just play golf and gamble each day.
8. ESPN. Cameras and microphones in your face for two weeks picking up every fart, every time you pick your nose then screened to millions of strangers all over the globe. Also those camera's make me look fat.
9. The Norman Chad interview. After 25 hours of the show calling me an idiot Norman and I have to gush over each other like long lost twins.
10. The bracelet. I have small wrists; it would fall off and subsequently be sold on eBay where I would have to buy it back for any of the remaining prize money I had left.

The inevitable Zidane/Materazzi game to be found here

Also yesterday's post ended with an email we had received from an irate customer. Normally we leave it at that but young HP (Swedish) took it upon himself to make one last effort, God Bless you HP, your response then his made me laugh hard, good work fella.

Original email: You can stick you f*****g chat service up your f*****g arsehole!

HP's Reply: Dear ****** we will keep that in mind and should you require any further assistance please use this email for further reference.
Best Regards,

Customer’s final reply

Don't patronise me you f*****g moron!

Do not ever f*****g send me an email again!